Monday, May 11, 2009

A bad day.

I have been lucky, I think, to escape this for so long. Death, I mean. Nobody in my life has ever died before, unless you count a great-oma who passed at the age of 99, when I was around ten. I had met her only once, but I cried anyway. a lot. The idea that I got to wake up tomorrow and be with people that I loved and do things that were fun and see things that were beautiful and learn, and she didn't, was absolute proof to me that the world was a cruel, cruel place.

As I have grown, I have come to accept death, as a concept. My great oma was not likely sad to leave this earth. there is only so much to see and do and learn and love. Only so much time for being with. The world becomes a lot smaller when the people you love are gone, as hers were, and when your body is much older than the self trapped inside. Already, nursing an often elderly population has shown me this time and time again. As often as not, an older person is ready to go when time takes them.

This weekend, a girl I knew died. I don't know how, at least not yet, though rumors and speculation are certainly prevalent. She was young, under 25. She's gone, so in a way it doesn't matter so much, the how. Or it shouldn't, anyway. Except that it does.

I first heard the news around two this afternoon, and shock overcame sadness. But a few hours later, and man, am I sad. Sad because she will never again see people she loves, do things that are fun, see things that are beautiful, or learn. Sad because I won't see her around anymore. Sad because it could have happened to anyone. Sad because you really, really, just never know.

This girl was not close to me, exactly. Her position in my life lay somewhere between acquaintance and friend. With a few others, we bonded over a difficult experience in school, then parted ways, perhaps having fulfilled our purposes for each other. I had a genuine liking for this girl, but never enough in common with her to remain close.

flabbergasted, I am. Sad, but sad from a distance. Needing to make meaning. Wishing safety, fulfillment, and happiness to all others in my life, so that they may go on seeing people they love, beautiful things, learning, and having fun. Feeling a (selfish?) need to gather my friends and family closer, to keep them near. Tired of speaking in cliches.

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